Dream 4 Baby – The dream of having a baby
I have spent the last four years undergoing grueling fertility treatments. And this is after I had a chemical pregnancy and after hearing from a doctor that, without treatments, it would be almost impossible for me to bear a child. These fertility treatments have changed me forever. I’m not the same person I was before these treatments. All along this difficult journey, I tried everything. Literally everything.
I started reading books and studies on improving the quality of the eggs, I bought and took every supplement available on the market, I did Chinese acupuncture for years, the endometrial pipelle procedure 3 times, diagnostic hysteroscopy 4 times, I injected every type of hormone in monstrous doses, I injected pregnyl after the last time I was pregnant twice a week for 13 weeks – these are painful injections into the muscle of the buttocks.
I no longer recognized my body and, at some point, I stopped feeling the pain. I lost a sense of myself in every way, my body felt as if it was merely a vessel for human experimentation and fertility research, just a machine for injections and one that must respond at exactly the right time.
I was full of purpose and, to achieve that purpose, I was willing to endure anything. Some say that the person is defined by what you are willing to fight for, to suffer pain for. I was willing to endure any kind of pain so that my six-year-old son would have a sibling, so that he doesn’t grow up alone as I did, so that he can experience the intimacy of a family, which I never did.
Because I started off with an unprofessional doctor, I wasted valuable and critical time on insemination that caused an ovarian cyst that was difficult to get rid of. (Intrauterine insemination is the procedure of injecting a sperm sample directly into the uterine cavity.) Even after I switched to an excellent doctor to undergo IVF rounds, it couldn’t actually help me anymore. My embryos were always transferred fresh. This means that each round involved aspiration and transfer, and only one opportunity to conceive. Out of the 4 IVF treatments I underwent, I managed to conceive twice.
Today, I’m 44 years old.
The first time I got pregnant, the twins’ pulse stopped at 11 weeks and I had to have a D&C. In-between, I wasn’t able to fall pregnant.
The second (and last) time I fell pregnant, the embryo was diagnosed with Down syndrome and had to have a D&C at 20 weeks. This act of killing a live embryo because he was sick was unbearably difficult for me. From the moment the Down syndrome was diagnosed, my only wish was not to see a pulse at the next ultrasound. Rather to see something lifeless, dead.
Then the cruel reality hit me in the face. In all the tests, he was completely alive, turning around, kicking, moving. He was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
And so I did everything I could to help him stay alive and indeed he stayed alive. But he was alive and sick.
It’s impossible to explain what a woman goes through for so many weeks with nausea, vomiting, heartburn, pregnancy pains, all for nothing. And it happened to me twice. All the cotton wool I wrapped myself in to hold on to my pregnancies could not help at all.
Because I had already had a D&C, I was anxious about having another one. I could not have even imagined that this D&C would be significantly harder than the previous one because, in this case, the embryo was alive. Before the D&C started, they gave me the magic pill Cytotec.
I experienced a series of contractions, excruciating pains in my abdomen to the extent that I couldn’t stand up straight. I cried hysterically, almost screamed. I felt that I had lost the battle for the embryo. I felt him kicking hard but he could no longer win this battle.
Having a D&C is a difficult and horrible event. It has always been torturous to even find a good vein on me, and like a lamb being led to the slaughter, I got up onto the torture/surgery seat that had already come to know me and was waiting for me. In the hospital, this sterile hell that twice gave me pregnancy now twice also gave me a D&C.
Even to get to this point of having a D&C, I had to go through a bureaucratic nightmare from every part of the system. I was told that I had to wait until the amniocentesis test (after week 16) and only then do the D&C because I had already passed the week in which chorionic villus sampling (CVS) is allowed to be done. (CVS is done to detect whether the embryo has deformities and/or a genetic disease.)
I refused to accept that I would have to carry a sick baby in my uterus for a few more weeks, to endure a pregnancy that serves no purpose and is hopeless – and then also have a still birth. Since, in this case, the health system did not function as it should, I went to a private doctor who agreed to perform the D&C to keep me from having to continue suffering. So I did it – I won the battle and got the long-awaited D&C.
To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever get over it. In the first week after the D&C, I couldn’t understand how the world around me continued to function as normal, how everything looked the same because, for me, nothing was the same anymore. It took me a while to be able to lift my eyes off the floor. I preferred to bury my head in the sand rather than look directly at the same world that “took” from me. But since that was not possible and because life has to go on, I allowed it to go on. The most potent feeling of being in this situation is the sense of loneliness. Loneliness wrapped in a feeling of failure.
And all the medical institutions that are supposed to support you and make it easier for you only make it harder for you to cope. Who knew there was a committee for pregnancy terminations, a body of people who make you wallow a little more in your own pain and force you to go through more tests and more agony during interviews with experts?
All of this at a cost and a with lot of waiting, of course. It’s not clear why a woman in such a dire situation needs to sit around and wait for a committee to decide when she is already in so much despair.
When something small inside you dies, a little piece of you also dies, whether you want it to or not. This was the dream for your family and for a child who was not born, who you already came to love more every time you saw him in an ultrasound and you were willing to do anything just so that he would live and be healthy.
And the worst of it all is that I also had to undergo a stillbirth.
For those who have had to suffer through such difficult events, this site attempts to explain your experiences in light of current knowledge. One of the reasons I don’t like to explain and talk about my arduous experiences is that anyone who has been through such things themselves, does not need it explained to them while others are unable to understand how we felt at the time or how we feel now.
So it’s really nice to meet you! Today, the trauma is behind me and behind many other women like myself. But I couldn’t go on with my life as usual anymore. I knew that if I didn’t take the bad events I had been through and leverage them into a positive place, then I would have failed miserably. I could not accept that all my suffering was in vain. I was looking for a way to correct my feelings so that I could continue to live without regret and sadness.
I knew I would never fall pregnant again in this lifetime; it was not meant to be. At the same time, I also realized that the pile of knowledge I had accumulated over the last four years is gigantic. I have no doubt that, with all the information I have gathered, I can help many people. I realized that this is probably my purpose in this world.
The aim of the site is to give its readers a unique and comprehensive overview of all aspects of fertility while exposing helpful tools and research done in the field. In addition, my intention is to provide information that will help anyone who wants to become a parent about all the possible methods that exist in the market today.
Certain points in time are especially critical from a certain age and, when mistakes are made, every mistake takes up valuable time and causes frustration. Every mistake takes us further away from our dream, the dream of bringing a child into the world. The information on this site is an important and critical commodity to be used to try and make less mistakes along the journey.
Today, I can say with certainty that, with the right knowledge and guidance, I could have avoided many of the difficult things I went through. If I can prevent one soul from being frustrated, I have done my job.
The purpose of the site is to give objective advice, expert information, and tools to help you give birth to a child.
We think outside the box. This site was born out of pain and personal experience that did not get the proper response from any platform. Our mission is to help a transparent community that definitely needs guidance.
This site also includes affiliate marketing to finance it so that it can continue to exist, but it’s important to emphasize that the focus of this site is on the pain points of the readers way more than focusing on profiting from it.
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A lot of effort and hours and hours of reading and analyzing research have been invested for this site. Every product offered on this site has been personally tested and has never been received free of charge from any manufacturer/marketer. We are committed to providing completely unbiased opinions in all our content.
When starting the process of having a child, we sometimes have to deal with medical procedures, frustration, and disappointments along the way. For a very long time, people have had to make decisions that are very critical without having enough understanding and clarity on the subject. We decided to change this. It’s time to make informed decisions with regards to the process of bringing a child into the world.
The reader is our first priority. We believe that everyone who is in this process, must be able to make decisions with confidence.
Our mission is to empower people by having all the information and to change the way things are done in this field.
We pledge not to publish articles and content that give false promises in the style of “How I got pregnant in less than 3 months after years of infertility and miscarriages”. The purpose of the site is not to conjure up magic and not to sell uncertified potions. Every product or service that appears on this site has undergone a rigorous examination based on objective personal experience so the content is of the highest quality. There is a journey to be taken and, at the end of the journey, a dream awaits us.